Friday, 11 April 2014

Hate Mail #1

I knew that cutting/shaving off my hair to raise awareness to the current rape culture was never going to be universally popular. It's a big thing to do and it's still a very taboo subject to cover. I always expected criticism from the get go...

...I didn't quite expect this though. Today I received an anonymous message from someone who'd apparently read my blog. Here it is:

"I read your blog. I think you're wrong. You don't get anywhere by being a bitch. If you want respect, have some fucking dignity. Seriously. Why don't you shut the fuck up? Maybe you'll actually raise some money that way."

Initially I wasn't going to respond but now I feel I should. I didn't think I was being a bitch - I'm not quite sure looking back at my blogs where this person got that impression. Neither did anyone else I asked but if you can think of anything, do let me know. One of the compliments that people have given me throughout is how I'm being quite dignified about the things that I talk about without losing my honesty. I write coherently and think through my entries. Some of my entries have taken either days or weeks to think through: my prior piece about how sex can be a massive minefield for me took about two/three weeks to write because I struggled to write it properly. I've got a future blog post which has taken me a couple of months to have the guts to begin, let alone complete. You'll find out why when I post it.

I think the bit about the hate mail I hated the most was the request... no... demand that I shut up. Be quiet. Be a good little girl and keep my mouth shut. That not only completely goes against what I'm trying to do but also proves this person completely and utterly missed the point. Part of my mission is to speak out, tell my story and raise the alarm loud and clear with the statistics and other survivors' stories. 

If I don't get the message out about what I'm doing, I won't raise money. If we never talk about, we'll never know. If we fail to challenge, we'll never get a solution. 

Keep reading and sharing my blog to get the word out. If you're able to, donate to my JustGiving page to help me reach my £1000 target. 

Lots of love and solidarity <3 XXX

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Let's Talk About Sex

This is one hell of a personal and intense subject particularly for me. The prospect of sex is something I relish like most of the population. It also scares me. It's letting someone else be intimate with me, physically close to me, touch me in the most personal manner.

You wouldn't really know I have intimacy issues from the outset according to some close friends. I like to think I am outwardly confident and outgoing. I am beginning to truly enjoy wearing more confident outfits and not just during cosplay. I sometimes enjoy wearing corsets, dresses and things that edge on the more daring side. It's partly a reclamation but it's also just because I plain enjoy myself. That's the way it should be for anyone and anyone who judges? Well... I think my blog about an incident of slut-shaming covers that in much better detail.

There's not one part of that picture that anyone shall regret.

There's a massive difference between clothing and sex. I became active a month and a half before turning 18. I hadn't ever been with anyone consistent before I was attacked and that has remained exactly the same throughout. I have always remained very private about specifics like who I sleep with, how many times etc. out of absolute respect for the other people and myself but I make no secret in wanting intimacy somewhere down the line. Those are about the only things that have remained the same.

After I was raped, I went into a state of total denial. I rushed into intimacy very quickly. It didn't take long (a few weeks to be precise) to have a one-night stand with someone after a night clubbing. I rushed into beginning dating and had other sporadic encounters. The predominant reason I didn't have total disasters is because I did all I could to compensate. As ready as I may have been, pain was a new accompanying feature that appeared in every event. Unbearable discomfort and lack of enjoyment meant that regardless of the intention of the other person involved, there would be almost no chance of sustainability of a consistent affair.

It was only when I started to acknowledge what had happened, started facing up to the way I felt and started to rebuild did I get close to getting better on that front. Yes, I've been raped. Yes I miscarried the attacker's child. Yes, it was really traumatic and yes there were going to be continuing consequences somewhat out of my control. I at times feel so low I can't see a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I can feel so monumentally unattractive and disgusting that being touched by anyone ever is an abhorrent thought. Yet at other times I feel really good, sexy and keen to intimacy (with anyone I may be attracted to, of course.)

I'm awaiting therapy to address these issues but whilst I wait, I know there are things I can do to help the process like looking after myself (for real) and not expecting too much from myself. If I don't feel like doing anything, maybe I shouldn't do it. I need to be less afraid of words like 'yes' and 'no' as well as relish a challenge into the unknown.

Keep supporting me and donate to the JustGiving page. I'm less than £300 away from hitting the £1000 target!

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Bucks Free Press

I sat down with the very lovely Simon Farr from Bucks Free Press who wrote a rather good article about my pledge to cut and shave off my hair for Rape Crisis.

If you wish to read the article, click here!

Please share the article and get the word out. I appreciate your support as always! Do keep reading this blog and donate to the cause if/when you can.

Lots of love and solidarity xxx <3