You wouldn't really know I have intimacy issues from the outset according to some close friends. I like to think I am outwardly confident and outgoing. I am beginning to truly enjoy wearing more confident outfits and not just during cosplay. I sometimes enjoy wearing corsets, dresses and things that edge on the more daring side. It's partly a reclamation but it's also just because I plain enjoy myself. That's the way it should be for anyone and anyone who judges? Well... I think my blog about an incident of slut-shaming covers that in much better detail.
|There's not one part of that picture that anyone shall regret.|
There's a massive difference between clothing and sex. I became active a month and a half before turning 18. I hadn't ever been with anyone consistent before I was attacked and that has remained exactly the same throughout. I have always remained very private about specifics like who I sleep with, how many times etc. out of absolute respect for the other people and myself but I make no secret in wanting intimacy somewhere down the line. Those are about the only things that have remained the same.
After I was raped, I went into a state of total denial. I rushed into intimacy very quickly. It didn't take long (a few weeks to be precise) to have a one-night stand with someone after a night clubbing. I rushed into beginning dating and had other sporadic encounters. The predominant reason I didn't have total disasters is because I did all I could to compensate. As ready as I may have been, pain was a new accompanying feature that appeared in every event. Unbearable discomfort and lack of enjoyment meant that regardless of the intention of the other person involved, there would be almost no chance of sustainability of a consistent affair.
It was only when I started to acknowledge what had happened, started facing up to the way I felt and started to rebuild did I get close to getting better on that front. Yes, I've been raped. Yes I miscarried the attacker's child. Yes, it was really traumatic and yes there were going to be continuing consequences somewhat out of my control. I at times feel so low I can't see a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I can feel so monumentally unattractive and disgusting that being touched by anyone ever is an abhorrent thought. Yet at other times I feel really good, sexy and keen to intimacy (with anyone I may be attracted to, of course.)
I'm awaiting therapy to address these issues but whilst I wait, I know there are things I can do to help the process like looking after myself (for real) and not expecting too much from myself. If I don't feel like doing anything, maybe I shouldn't do it. I need to be less afraid of words like 'yes' and 'no' as well as relish a challenge into the unknown.
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