Monday, 26 May 2014

The Biggest Loss

So this blog post has taken a long time for me to write. It's been possibly the hardest thing I've written about because I'm still genuinely devastated by it. It's one of the things I've struggled with the most throughout my life (and that's no easy feat.)

As a re-cap, I discovered a few months after I was raped that I was pregnant. The rapist didn't use any condoms even under the knowledge that I was not on any form of contraception. I tried to take the morning-after pill but ended up violently sick. After that, the thought of turning pregnant was shoved firmly in the back of my mind. I believe this was down to a mix of absolute denial as a coping mechanism and the knowledge that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which would likely make my fertility compromised. It was only when I took a pregnancy test the day before my 21st birthday that the fact firmly slapped me in the face: I was pregnant and the rapist was the father. As I had done before, I went to the method of denial. No one even knew that I had been raped, let alone that he got me pregnant. How was I supposed to explain all this when I hadn't even fully accepted what had happened to me? I went about my day-to-day basis and celebrated my birthday without giving any indication that anything was going on. The turmoil inside was absolutely unbearable.

Many questions went around my head:
How do I explain this to my family and friends?
Can I continue my university education?
Do I have to reach out to the rapist himself?
Where do I live: where I was, back in my family home or elsewhere?
Do I keep the baby?

The last question I've emphasized because that was probably the key question, the most important question. I genuinely didn't know what to do: abortion, keep the baby or adopt-out. If I had had an abortion, I wouldn't have had to deal with a live-baby but then lived with the trauma of having an abortion. I am fully pro-choice but I completely understand that it's not an easy undertaking at all. If I had kept the baby and raised it as my own, I know I would've loved the child regardless of where they came from but it would've been brutally hard. I was dealing with a lot of incredibly heavy issues and would I have really been the best person to raise the child? I know my family would've supported me in the raising but we're all dealing with our own survivors' journeys. If I had adopted-out the baby then I could've given the child to another family more capable of giving them a good life than I but then I would've had to have dealt with not only the issues surrounding their conception but the fact that I gave them away. Just as my choice was taken away from me when I was raped, my choices would be taken away again when, the day after my 21st birthday, I miscarried.

As cold as it sounds, there were upsides: I didn't have to deal with a child anymore and maybe that was for the best considering all of the problems. Having said that, it was totally heart-breaking to realise what had happened. To realise that my choice was gone along with the foetus was something that didn't completely register for a while but when it hit, it hit hard in my heart. I didn't know what to do with myself and even now, I still really struggle to talk about it without crying or stopping myself just in time. It's a really, really hard thing to deal with.It is, without a doubt, one of the biggest losses of my entire life.

It took almost a year after the miscarriage, over a year after the rape occurred, that I told my family what happened and finally started telling my story in a more public way. It is still a work-in-progress sort of thing. As I said in the beginning of this piece, it has taken a lot to talk about this.

I often wonder whether the people who say that rape isn't a big deal or go on a justification parade for the perpetrator ever realise that this is one of the potential consequences? Because it is. I and many survivors know that for a brutal fact regardless of whether they opted to keep the baby or not. This is something that is always going to carry in my heart and no part of me will ever forget this. I'm awaiting therapy to try and deal with this and the rest of my problems. In the mean time, I am choosing to speak out in the hope I might fellow survivors in solidarity and raise the awareness of a giant problem that continues to this day.

Continue to follow my blog for more updates and pieces about my own journey to recovery. If you are able to, donate to my JustGiving page and click on the thick black line under the totals.

Lots of love and solidarity. As always <3 XXX


With exactly one month to go before I cut off and shave off all of my hair, I decided it was time to amp up the promotion of this blog and my fundraising in the race to raise £1000 for Rape Crisis. This is the kind of thing everyone can join in on provided they are on some form of social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc.

Here's what to do: Using the hashtag #TheHairyTruth, put up links to this blog and/or my JustGiving page. You can put messages up with it, simple sentances or just the hashtag itself. You can post once, post weekly - post as many times as you like. The more it gets out there, the more money is raised and the more awareness that gets out there.

Stuck for things to add before the link? Here are a few ideas:

  • It's time to face it #TheHairyTruth
  • Time to learn that no means no #TheHairyTruth

If you're able to donate, do check out The Hairy Truth JustGiving page. Click the thick black line under the total raised and it'll take you to the donation options. Please share this out. Lets get the message out that things need to change and it's time we faced up to a massive problem in the world and fixed the problem.

Lots of love and solidarity. Always XXX <3

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

The Third Wig Worn

For this wig, I went a little different and quirky. Granted it's partially for a Rainbow Dash cosplay but also because... it's a rainbow wig. How can I not go for it?

Not pictured: the accompanying tail

Pretty snazzy, if I say so myself.

Just about 5 weeks until the Big Day. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I can only wait in anticipation, nerves and excitement.

In the run up, do check out my JustGiving page. If you wish to donate, click on the thick black line below the total amount raised and follow the instructions.

Lots of love and solidarity <3 XXX

Sunday, 18 May 2014

My Bucket List

Without going into specific reasons why, I recently had a giant dip in my depression. I'm just crawling myself out of it and one of the things that made me feel better was drawing up a Bucket List of sorts. I was trying to work out what the point was in my life and what I was good for. Someone very close to me pointed out this effort to raise awareness on the issues of sexual violence. My big hair cut (The Hairy Truth, as you will.) This resonated with me and I remembered how much I want to keep fundraising even after my big hair cut. So I took to writing down all the things I wanted to do in life, knowing there's a good chance I can do some fundraising along with some of these ideas.

  • Play music on the street with friends
  • Complete an obstacle course
  • Run a cosplay fashion show that doesn't revolve purely on damaging body ideals
  • Do a triathalon
  • Go up the Eiffel Tower
  • Visit my friends in the United States of America
  • Become a published writer
  • Win an award at a film festival
  • Go on a road trip around Mainland Europe
  • Do a flashmob-style drama performance on the street
  • Ride in a hot air balloon
  • Go Zorbing
  • Attend an LGBT Pride parade
  • Perform in a live music event
  • Abseil off a tall building
  • Organise a charity black-tie ball
  • Host a wine tasting night
  • Compile a recipe book and get it published
  • Compile a collection of short stories and get it published

This isn't a definitive list but it's definitely a good selection and I'm open to ideas/suggestions.

I'm not saying this is a definitive, one-size-fits-all method and admittedly I had a moment where I thought "I want to do all these things but I'm that useless that there's no way I'll do it." But then I realised that I had to try and maybe this can be a focus in life. My focus can be on doing the things I want whilst raising money for the causes I'm most passionate about and through that helping others recover and prevent anyone else from going through what I've been through.

If you're able to donate, check out my JustGiving page. Click the thick black line under the total raised and it'll take you to the donation options. Please share this out. Lets get the message out that things need to change and it's time we faced up to a massive problem in the world and fixed the problem.

Lots of love and solidarity XXX <3

Thursday, 1 May 2014

8 weeks to go...

...steadily becoming more and more nervous but all the more excited as the weeks whittle down. Eventually it's going to get to the point where I can count down the days, then the hours, then the minutes before I lose my hair to raise money for Rape Crisis and donate the hair to Little Princess Trust. One thing that has always remained with me throughout this journey thus far is how important this issue is: the fact that close to half a million women get sexually assaulted every year and out of every reported case of rape, less than 5% go on to get a conviction in court is appalling. Something has got to change and we can only get that done if we start raising the awareness from the bottom to the top.

If you wish to show support, follow this blog and donate to my JustGiving page. If you cannot donate right now, that's no problem. Your support is greatly appreciated. Spread the word, talk about it and let's raise as much as we can.

Lots of love and solidarity XXX <3