Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Stones & Buttons

2 weeks ago I did a very interesting and therapeutic exercise at my support group. It's stones & buttons. You have a whole lot of buttons and stones to use to create the circle/map of your life/family. The different buttons and stones represent the different people in your life.

My map 

I feel my map needs a bit of explaining. Here are some closer pictures.

The stone in the two pictures above repesents me. I'm this shiny, prominent stone. I seem neat and polished but if you look closer, you can see the cracks and once you've seen the cracks you cannot un-see it. It's done.
My circle of friends and family

Surrounding me are my friends and family. The ones further away aren't as close but they are still important to me and I like knowing they're there. The ones who are closest are my best protection, my foundations, my support, the people I love the most and who continue to stand by me to this day.

These buttons represent some of the people who've hurt me in my life. More specifically, the ones whose affect have stuck: the bullies whilst I was in education between the ages of 4-18, the three boys at school who sexually assaulted me, the Abusive Parent and the final closest button is the Rapist. (Yes, it hasn't escaped my notice that the shape looks eerily similar to a Christian cross. That really wasn't intentional!)

The final picture shows my darkest point. I can have so much love given and yet I still feel exposed, vulnerable and isolated. I can feel unbelievably alone. It's no surprise I suffer from this given what I've gone through. Sometimes I feel like the dark buttons could come and get me again.
I like to return back to this picture though. Ultimatey, I am protected. I am loved and the darkness cannot consume me. They are not protected because anyone who loves them they suck out their energy and spit back out. They're toxic.

At the end of it, I felt good but I also felt like I'd hit something. I felt a bit vulnerable after exposing this information but then I felt good because my subconscious and my conscious agree on something. For the first time in many years, I feel like I'm beginning to get my thoughts and emotions into perspective which means I can finally see a future where I cope much better.

If you're feeling strong enough, try this exercise. You may be surprised by what you discover and what you realise. It's so simple - all you need are buttons and stones.

Lots of love and solidarity <3 XXX