They suck. Big time. It's at times all-consuming. I'm either over-ridden in pain and fear or so far gone I'm numb to the world. I can't feel because I cannot cope with the outside world.
I'm in a low patch. It's been gradually arriving for a while but a week ago it finally kicked into full swing. A mixture of stress and pressure from a variety of sources hasn't helped the situation in the slightest. I've been signed off work for the time being. The idea of stepping outside the door is a daunting prospect, let alone going out into the world as a functioning member of society. A full night's sleep is elusive. The anxiety attacks are intense and sometimes triggers can be so overwhelming that I can hardly breathe.
The flashbacks are back. The blinding visual memories of what he did are just the icing on the cake. Sometimes I can smell the same smells, feel every sensation... it's like I'm there again. And again. It's like I never got to leave, I never escaped. I'm re-living it on loop. I wish it would stop because it's driving me crazy at night. I used to have no qualms about sleeping in the same room as another human being. Right now, that's a scary prospect unless I happen to trust them. Even then, I feel obligated to warn them that I'm not the best of bed fellows.
It's a whole load of fuckery on top of fuckery. I know that's a very ineloquent way of saying it but frankly there is no good way to put it. The vocabulary isn't there to describe the fullness of how it feels. It's scary enough for me to launch into denial. Seem a lot happier than I actually am because my true feelings would push everybody away.
Sometimes I can see a bit of lightness. Sometimes I give myself a break. But I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the support of my friends and family, particularly the two friends who rescued me last Wednesday night at the bus station whilst I was in floods of tears. Being messaged from afar hoping I get better or even resuming a non-pressurised sense of normality sometimes has been enough to bring a small smile to my face.
It's The Bad Days. I just want to see it through so I can get back to a better place and get back to the Road of Healing.
Lots of love and solidarity. Always <3 XXX