Just when you think you know everything... you realise you don't.
This has been an excruciating blog post for me to write. It has been a tough thing to discuss partly because I'm still trying to process it. I'm still trying to deal with it and just thinking about it has caused pretty bad anxiety attacks. The memory is raw and the flashbacks are brutal. Having said that, the entire point of baring my soul and telling my story is to not only help others in my position but raise awareness of the consequences of sexual violence and bring it to an end.
Just under two months ago I uncovered a lost traumatic memory relating to an experience of sexual violence. I'm not going to go into graphic detail as to what it is, when it happened and who was involved because I can hardly bring myself to acknowledge it happened at all. I'm struggling to power through writing this paragraph against shaking hands, a tight chest and a terrified heart. It temporarily turned off any sense of libido - in fact the idea of being touched was disgusting for a brief period. I struggled to leave the comfort of my bed, let alone the house. It totally threw off my appetite and I only ate because I essentially forced myself. In myself I felt increasingly isolated because I felt incapable of articulating my thoughts and feelings in a way that would make anyone begin to understand. I also started feeling disgusting and as if no one is going to want to go anywhere near me.
In this current point in time, I am feeling better but some days are a genuine struggle. Some days are so hard I really struggle to see a point. Other days I can keep going and feel genuinely good about other things and it doesn't really enter my mind. Discussing everything with my psychotherapist has helped significantly. Whilst I'm still having a tough time dealing with the raw emotions, I am determined to not let it stop me living my life, raising awareness of sexual violence or fundraising for Rape Crisis. It's just under 4 months till I start my 30/30 Challenge. Onwards and upwards.
Lots of love and solidarity <3 XXX